Fourth Entry: Review of "Gladiator"

No movie, in the history of movies, could ever top the BAMFness that is "Gladiator." Yes, historically speaking, it's god awful, but when it comes to Russell Crowe in Roman armor, beating the crap out of people... a Classical History buff, such as I, can over look this. 

This movie, released in 2000, was directed by Ridley Scott, one of the famous Scott brothers, written by David Franzoni, John Logan, and William Nicholson. The movie starred THE Russell Crowe, Joaquin Phoenix (as the pansy ass bad guy), Richard Harris as the Emperor Marcus Aurelius, and Connie Nielsen as the sister of Joaquin Phoenix's character.

For their efforts, "Gladiator" won Best Picture at the Oscars, and Russell Crowe won Best Actor. 

So, basically, for those FEW people in the world who have yet to see this movie, the story centers around Maximus Decimus Meridius, a Spaniard general in the army of the Emperor Marcus Aurelius (who, historically speaking, was also a Spaniard). The movie begins with a battle between the Romans and the tribes of Germania, in which Rome makes a sweeping victory. Marcus Aurelius' children, Commodus (Phoenix) and Lucilla (Nielsen) arrive after the battle. One can tell easily that Marcus Aurelius saw Maximus as another son to him, pretty much how he wished Commodus had turned out. Marcus Aurelius starts talking some nonsense to Maximus about how he wished the Republic to be restored, yada yada. Marcus Aurelius never felt this in real life by the way. So, Marcus says that he wants Maximus to help make this happen after he dies (because he's getting really old). Well, Marcus tells Commodus this, Commodus becomes a whiny, jealous little b**ch, and kills his father. ALSO historically untrue.

Commodus becomes emperor and in turn, because he's a jealous little b**ch of Maximus ("Everyone loves Maximus more than me! WHA!!!") and orders his execution. Maximus, being the BEAST he is, escapes his captors and takes off. He rushes home, because he fears for his wife and son's lives, but when he gets there, he finds that the emperor's cronies have killed his family. He collapses out of sheer exhaustion, both mentally and physically, and also having sustained a wound.

Eventually, he is found and taken into slavery by Proximo, who runs a gladiatorial school, and was a freed slave (gladiator) himself. 

Lots of fighting in arenas ensue AKA lots of BADASSNESS. Then lots of fighting in the ultimate arena: the Colosseum. Lots of advice given by Proximo to Maximus ensues. Blah, blah. And then this:

This scene, right there, is one of THE most EPIC moments in a movie in the history of movies. Especially when Commodus basically looks scared s***less because he knows he's going to get pwnd.

A lot more BAMFness happens, some BS, a coup that failed, and Maximus finds himself in the Colosseum, fighting Commodus. Of course, Commodus being the little bi**h that he is, injures Maximus before hand to give him the edge in the fight. But, because Maximus is Maximus (which, in Latin, means biggest/greatest, by the way), beats the crap out of Commodus, but still dies in the end. Before he dies, he reinstates the Republic, yada yada, which never happens. And then the movie ends with him, walking through what one can assume are the Elyssian Fields towards his wife and son.

Did I mention that Commodus had this NASTY infatuation with his sister, Lucilla? Yeah, he totally wanted to have a baby of "pure blood" with her. GROSS!

Seriously though, if you have yet to see it, don't just stop at reading my synopsis. Go to your nearest movie rental store and GET IT. If you don't have a movie rental store nearby (because Netflix is taking over) then go to the nearest movie store and BUY IT. It's TOTALLY worth it!

By the way, interesting fact, Commodus was actually murdered in the bathtub by his favorite wrestler, Narcissus. It was part of a plot to assassinate him (a previous plot to poison him failed when he puked it back up). And he actually was not as bad of a guy as he was portrayed in this movie.

So, as always, I have to include some of my favorite quotes, which there are some excellent ones:

"At my signal, unleash Hell." ~ Maximus

"What we do in life, echoes in eternity." ~ Maximus

"ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?" ~ Maximus

"My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance... in this life or the next." ~ Maximus.


The list could legitimately go on. Seriously.


"Gladiator" is one of those movies that EVERYONE should see once in their life. It's most certainly a feast for the eyes. The cinematography is dazzling, and the costuming is fantastic. The acting is top notch (Hell, Russell Crowe got an OSCAR), and you really get emotionally invested in the characters. Not to mention, it is one of a few "Sword and Sandal" movies in the past ten years or so that was actually GOOD and successful at the box office. 


Ok... now that I'm done with all this rambling that probably doesn't even make sense... WATCH "GLADIATOR" RIGHT NOW! And then you'll understand my absolute excitement about this movie.


Well, that's it for now! Until next time! But in the meantime remember: Strength and honor!

"ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? IS THIS NOT WHY YOU ARE HERE?"

Third Entry: Review of "Slap Shot"

As promised in my last blog post, this entry will be about that quintessential hockey/comedy movie "Slap Shot." I just realized I like to use the word quintessential a lot... but it's legit. This movie really is quintessential.

It was released in 1977 (a year before my brother was born), and stars Paul Newman and the infamous Hanson Brothers.

I think that the first minute and a half of the movie sums up what it's about:

The movie centers around the Charlestown Chiefs, a minor league hockey team in a dying town. Paul Newman is the coach and a player on the team, and is struggling with the fact that he isn't cut out for the big time league anymore (he's kinda getting old). The town's factory is on the brink of closing down, and therefore they would lose all the business going into the team, and therefore would not have a team anymore. So, to go out with a bang and get some more people coming to the games, Paul Newman's character, Reggie Dunlap, decides that to get business, he has to make his team a bunch of goons. So, they become the most violent team in their minor league bracket, thanks in part to the Hanson brothers:

It's not just the Hanson brothers though. There is a HUGE cast of interesting characters, like the subject of the above movie: Denis Lemieux. He's the goalie for the Chiefs, and is French Canadian (hence the accent). 

I think my favorite character though was Ned Braden. He was a really smart dude that went to a really good school, but ended up playing minor league hockey. He's married, and he and his wife were having issues throughout the movie.

Here are some of the most memorable quotes (for me) from the movie:

"I'm listening to the f***king song!" ~ Steve Hanson

"You do dat you go to the box. Two minutes by yourself, and you feel shame, and then you get free." ~ Denis Lemieux

"These guys are a f***king disgrace!" ~ Johnny Upton

As with all movies I review on here, you have to go out and see it. It's yet another American classic everyone needs to view at least once in their lifetime. It's got comedy, hockey, hockey brawls, and drama. It really captures the spirit of a man who is out of the prime of his life, but is trying to desperately find some way back into it. 

Well, that's it for now! Until next time! In the meantime, happy brawling everyone!

Second Entry: Review of "Strange Brew"

Ah yes, "Strange Brew." This is a quintessential movie that any Canadian (and really American) should watch. As a descendant of crazy French Canadians, this came recommended for me to watch from my MOTHER, of all people. Now, I honestly haven't watched this movie in awhile so bear with me as I attempt to give a review.

Basically, this movie is about two brothers, Bob (Rick Moranis) and Doug MacKenzie (Dave Thomas). They love beer. Period. So, they eventually start working at the Elsinore Brewery where they discover a diabolical plot. The brewmeister (played by "old priest" Exorcist Max Von Sydow) is drugging the beer so that he can control people's minds! As any Canadian Evil Mastermind Brewmeister should, he tests it on hockey players! The brothers work together with the heiress of the brewery to foil the plot, and get back control of the brewery. There is lots of hockey, beer, hosers, and shenanigans throughout this whole movie, and I laugh hysterically every time I watch it.

I think my favorite scene is where Rick Moranis' character, Doug MacKenzie, (or was it him?) gets trapped in this huge vat of beer, and he drinks his way out of drowning! Brilliant!

Then, of course, an honorable mention goes to the scenes involving the tests on the hockey players.

And now for some memorable funny lines from the movie!

"If I didn't have puke breath, I'd kiss you!" ~ Bob MacKenzie

"I gotta take a leak so bad I can taste it!" ~ Bob MacKenzie

"The power of the force has stopped you, you hosers!" ~ Doug MacKenzie

"He saw Jedi 17 times, eh!" ~ Bob MacKenzie

Those are only a few hilarious lines from the movie. "Strange Brew" is still an essential, classic movie that everyone should watch at least once in their lifetime. It's where they really made "eh's" and "hosers" a stereotypical Canadian staple. So, you should definitely go out there, rent it or buy it, doesn't matter, and watch it! And laugh!

Well, that's it for me, for now. I actually used this as a procrastination technique for a take home final exam that's due later today. I should probably get back to that... Anyway, I hope I've convinced you to watch this movie, and enjoy it!

I was having a hard time trying to come up with my next movie to review, but I've figured it out. In keeping to this whole Canada/hockey theme, I'm going to talk about "Slap Shot" next time. Oh boy, that is a beaut!

In the meantime, happy beer drinking, you hosers!

First Entry: Review of "Ghostbusters"

What is there really to say about this great American film classic? If you have yet to see this great flick from  1984, then you need to pull yourself out of the rock that you live under, and get with the times. Go directly to the nearest video renting store, Red Box, or Netflix and rent "Ghostbusters" immediately. 


This movie revolves around three main characters (and eventually a fourth comes into it): Dr. Peter Venkman, Dr. Egon Spengler, and Dr. Ray Stantz (the fourth is Winston Zeddmore, played by the hilarious Ernie Hudson), played by Bill Murray, Harold Ramis, and Dan Aykroyd, respectively. This is the creme de la creme of Saturday Night Live fame, and just, in general, a powerhouse group of A-List comedy actors. Anyway, these characters decide to go into the ghostbusting business, hence the title of the flick "Ghostbusters." Basically, they make a living off of capturing the ghosts that haunt various houses and stores etc. in New York City. This paranormal activity culminates in an epic battle against an ancient Sumerian god, Gozer, bent on destroying the world. It is up to the Ghostbusters to take out this evil entity, and they do eventually, as good always triumphs over evil. 


A supporting cast consisting of Sigourney Weaver, Rick Moranis and Annie Potts rounds out this awesome and hilarious cast. 


There are some brilliant and absolutely hilarious lines in this movie that are so memorable that I could mention them in passing conversations even today. The following will be a list of some of my favorites:


"Ray, if someone asks you if you're a god, you say YES!" ~ Winston Zeddmore


"Let's show this prehistoric b***h how we do things downtown." ~ Peter Venkman


"I'm Winston Zeddmore, Your Honor. I've only been with the company for a couple of weeks, but these things are real. Since I joined these men, I've seen s**t that'll turn you white." ~ Winston Zeddmore


"The superintendent's gonna be pissed!" ~ Louis Tully


Like I said, these are really only a few of the memorable quotes from this movie. What really makes this movie thought? Definitely the humor, after all, laughter is the best medicine. Also, I think that it's because it's a plot that movies had yet to see before. Sure, we've seen the Jason movies, or the Michael Myers movies, but we had yet to see a really good horror comedy movie. I honestly think that it's movies like this that paved the way for the modern classics such as Shaun of the Dead and Zombieland. 


Ghostbusters was followed up with a sequel, which in my opinion was definitely not as good as the original. There is talk of a third movie being considered with all the original ghostbusters in it. Not much of the plot is known, but I honestly can't wait to see how it goes. Even though sequels are generally not as good as the original, if you really liked the original, then you have to give the follow ups a chance at least once. 


Well, it is REALLY late, and I am fading fast, so I will leave this review as it is for right now. I'll be back later with more thoughts on movies. In the meantime, happy ghostbusting!  

~ Jenn